Thursday Three is Friday Four...And It's a Doozy

Thursday Three is a Friday Four this week. I have a good excuse, I really do. The things I'm sharing this week are showing a side of myself I'm reticent to share. So I've been putting it off. I like to take the opportunity in this blog to encourage others and in doing so, continue to stay accountable and on track. The reality is that even "Miss Silver Lining" has bad weeks where I don't want to see the good side in my situation. This has been one such week...a Pity-Party-A-Rama! So bear with me as I share some of my dark moments. I'm hoping that in doing so, you will be reminded to forgive yourself when you're not on top of the world. In doing that, I can encourage others and stay accountable and on track. See a pattern here?

1. I was thrilled when my roommate invited me to join him and a few friends at the local hangout this past Tuesday. I don't get out much, I'm sad to say. I used to love being one of the guys and hanging out. Tuesday night was different. I felt awful. I actually cried a little when I got home and crawled into bed. Let me explain the dumb, irrational reason why. The guys, as guys often do, shared assessments and likes/dislikes about the women at the bar. In their innocuous banter, I was reminded of the fact that I have none of those "classic pretty girl" qualities. I don't even have big boobs anymore. I allowed myself to feel ugly and dumpy and quite possibly for the first time in my life, I walked out with my head down and shoulders rounded. I'm in a weird place right now. I'm getting used to my new, changing body. I'm seeking for my self esteem. Not to mention the fact that my hair looks dumb as it's growing out. Bleh. Get over myself already!

2. I worked out with my friend and nutrition coach, Erika, yesterday. She is working to compete in April at the Max Muscle NPC show at Woodbridge High School. It was humbling. I have 10 lbs of muscle on her but she's a lot stronger than I am. She schooled me a bit on my form, too. It is important to learn and I'm thrilled to do so. It's just the timing of it. It was in the midst of my pity party week, so I teared up when I headed back into the locker room. Bleh. My good friend, Dave, reminded me that Erika has competed before. She is working to compete again in April. She's ahead of me. It's okay. Don't panic. Thanks. Dave. I need that.

3. I failed at losing the last 11 pounds by the end of the year. Instead, I put on two and a half! Yes! More tears of humility. Bleh. I am working with Erika to tweak my meal plan and I am upping my cardio frequency. I KNOW I'll get it. It's just the timing...you know, the whole pity party thing.

4. I'm eating whatever whenever this weekend...starting today. I am exhausted from being disciplined eating clean six times a day. This is my Christmas gift to myself. I promise not to overindulge. I don't think I am actually capable of overindulging anymore. My idea of indulgence is having cereal and fruit for breakfast with NO source of protein except my skim milk! Take that! I'm a rebel!

See ya in the gym! (on Monday)